Monday, November 12, 2007
6:09:00 pm
I heard I spent 2 whole hours on friday night talking to lee wei who came over to visit. I like talking to him. Somehow, he seems to know and tells me straight. I don't know how, I don't know why, but somewhere along the way, this fear kinda developed. The fear of not doing well. Many times, I find myself not bothering to give in my best. Like running etc, I don't wanna push myself to the limit. Always feeling proud of the fact that I'm having a nice relaxing jog and I can still survive. Maybe it's time to admit that I'm afraid, afraid to find out tt i can only do so much even though I put in 100%. I didn't use to be like this?
Maybe, maybe it was just somehow in tj, i was the mad girl who topped the cohort for econs during jct yr1 -- (and got 3As 1B) everyone went on to say 'wah wah wah'. then there was band too. what with being the 'legend' and those magical moments during fiesta04 :) but with this, there came all the expectations, which i've always tried to live up to.
I've always tried so hard, to be perfect, be it studies, music, sports. Sometimes I just get so tired. If i'm not doing work, it's band prac. Not band prac, gotta prac piano. Not piano, run/swim/cycle. and that's how 24hrs FLY by everyday.
As a band member, we're known to be slackers. even mrs raj asked randell 'are u a band member?' cuz he's always so slack n playful. i very much wanted to tell her 'i'm one okay!' but i guess she subsequently found out anw haa! classmates asked 'eh i everytime see u in school or going out with ...... how u study one uh'. frequently i fall asleep during class/lecture, nv do tutorials (always depending on angie haha) pon lectures etc. n yeah they wonder how come i still do well haha. well i dont really wonder. I guess God has His plans for me. and it's by His grace everything's like this. but i guess all this heck-care-ness-but-still-do-well thingy has kinda made me afraid to show ppl im trying my best but yet this is all i can achieve.
Perhaps I don't think I can find the energy. I think lee wei knows it's cuz im scared. Well... I guess I should talk to him more haha. 'You have to start somewhere.' He makes me think, think of the possibilities which i never considered. and i would say tt's not a bad thing. 'You don't have to be the best in everything you do.'
Sound advice.
Somehow, this time round, 2 years seems so big. Strange, how in the beginning all of them seemed like the same age. Hard to imagine marcus being 3 years older!! but along the way, the 2 year gap really seems big.
Food for thought.
But I would say I'm pretty much satisfied nowadays. Uh besides my growing dislike for studying haha. I pretty much gotta tear myself from the piano at home. So many songs i wanna play! and running and all is like fun. okay altho maybe hills not so haha. So i guess it's more of from the heart than anything else now :)
I think, I'm growing up.
