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I don't think the talk with the psychologist helped me very much. In fact, I think it succeeded in doing just the opposite, making me feel at an all time low. So it seems that the fact that I don't really care what other people pretty much think about me seems to have turned into the fact that I'm some sissy who doesn't try to convince people about my point of view and just accepts things the way they are, giving up on everything because I'm too weak to make a difference. I feel VERY misunderstood. Actual fact why I don't bother convincing people is, I feel that there are more important things out there worth your time, effort, energy, and most of the time these trivial things such as other people's opinions and views do NOT bother me. I couldnt care less.
This stupid interview gave me false hopes, and has crashed me into a banana tree. And again, I ask why. It was a waste of time, MONEY, effort, energy. I knew it right from the start. And, I'm starting to hate that psychologist. He made me feel inferior, and stupid, and totally lousy, like I've no life in me, like I'm shy timid and a total worrywart who is forever anxious. DOTS. He made me lose confidence in myself and I'm starting to question and doubt my abilities. How can anyone give a review on my personality and character all from a 5hour talk? ridiculous.
I would say 'PSC, good try, I applaude your efforts'. With a sarcastic tone of course.
Another thing I wanted to talk about, is that, I havent not seen ttk for so long before. These 3 weeks since he went into army. And when I met him these 2 days when he went out, I dont know. I just feel things are so different. He didnt change. He's still the same. Just that the way I feel. Is different.
I was actually looking foward to him coming out. Long time never see him, u WILL miss him. friend or not, boyfriend or not. But I was somehow unduly disappointed. No denying my heart was thumping rather hard when his train roared into the station. Anticipation of what I've been waiting for so long I guess. But after the meeting, I wasnt all that excited anymore. I'm confused. It's nice to know someone who's nice likes you. But again, I don't think the feelings are mutual anymore. And I'm just making use of him, all the time.
And I know I don't wanna go out with him anymore.
Somehow I wish, it can return to the old days, when I felt I was the luckiest girl in the whole world.
Okay, today I went to Changi Prison Psychological Branch for my psychology interview under PSC. Found my way there in a taxi. was like half an hour early, so started early n ended late. imagine! it took like 5 hours.
So I'm supposedly anxious, worried and self-doubting? I agree about the shy timid part. But I feel I'm wrongly accused here. Nothing I can do so oKayyy.
Then waited for more than half an hour for the lousy bus 2 to come. After like 3 29s passed, and 3 empty double deckers passed. Tons of disgusting flies crowding at bus stop. terrible place. ah well a total waste of time I would say because I don't think PSC will be interested in anxious, worried, self-doubting, shy individuals. whatever.
Have been having dinner at 9 recently. Not good for health. tsk haha.
Ah well, psychological interview was quite a let down. Whatever it is, everything happens according to God's plan and will so shall just leave everything in his hands and GO DO MY RESEARCH NOW! AHHH
Talking about it does help when you hear the advice others have to give and you convince yourself which is the best course of action worth following. In addition, I felt better afterwards. There must have been some purpose for the meeting. It really makes me wonder what are God's plans. Will everything work out?
Sometimes when you panic, you aren't aware of what you're saying cause your brain is not able to work fast enough haha.
I'm still rather confused as ever. Such extreme happenings.
I'll update more on interview tomorrow.
ahhh! :)
Let me introduce you to someone you've probably read about a couple of times. I was hurt pretty bad that day. Here's just a summary:
1) my voice clearly sounded sick. even my students asked if im sick! yet he didnt. instead, he asked her 'ni gan mao le beh'
2) sitting in the car for 15mins is enough to bore him such that the remaining 15mins back he had to call her
3) he happily POSTS money to woman idunnowad while here we are, so hard of cash im working 7days a week for money
4) he lied. (now, tell me what's new) he lied. about buying those books at popular. i thought it was a bit absurd. his lie about him teaching english in a chinese school. i should've known better right. he bought books for woman no.2's daughter i think? n was saying ways in which she can improve her idunnowad. since when have he ever bothered going to popular to find assessment boks for me.
5) he apologised tt he never called her for 2 weeks/talked to her online. do u even care tt u've never talked to me for 1year also can? u APOLOGISED. hello, im your own DAUGHTER.
6) he asked how's aida. since when.
7) disgusted with a freaking woman who PLAYS MAHJONG EVERYDAY.
8) HE FINDS AN APARTMENT FOR WOMAN NO.2
9) so much money u know
STUPID STUPID STUPID
DO YOU KNOW HOW STUPID YOU ARE
10) you think im stupid? you think im sleeping? how do u think i feel?! i should've taken my time to find my pencil. u're cruel and heartless. at least dont do it in front of me.
11) i wonder do u feel anything, when ur DAUGHTER says she doesnt wanna go for a holiday she badly wants to go for cuz she believes we have no money.
12) i dont wanna go anyway. it'll always be with sucky ppl. with disgusting women, and too much bitter disappointment for one to take any longer.
i knew i would cry.
i shouldnt have typed this.
it makes me wonder,
what is worth your tears.
if there ever is anything.
most of the time, the tears i shed,
i tell myself,
this is not worth my tears.
so i wonder what is.
FORGIVE.
how hard it is.